To The Girl That Didn't Marry Him

It’s funny how you can dream of such big dreams as a child but then you grow up and realize that your life is nothing like you imagined it to be. When I was a kid, I had decided that I would be the master of my life. I was going to be married by 27 years old, get pregnant at 29 (because I wanted to be able to enjoy marriage without children) and have a baby before 30 because back then, I had heard that if you were having kids after 30, you were putting your baby and yourself at risk to have pregnancy problems. I wanted a boy and I honestly thought I had it all figured out. 

Fast forward to college and I started seriously dating someone who I quickly fell for. I honestly had never felt this way about anybody before and I can remember thinking to myself, “omg, this must be what love really feels like.” I was so happy and I just knew that eventually, this was going to be my happy ever after story. 

I was so excited to meet his family and introduce him to mine. We were inseparable and I was madly in love. I started sharing my dreams and goals and he was supportive. In fact, although our dreams were different, we were able to use one another and help each other start working towards them. I just KNEW we were meant for one another and God had placed us in one another’s life to be together forever.

But then things began to change. I wasn’t the same girl he met in college. I wasn’t interested in the same things. I wasn’t ok with settling for a life that others saw for me. I wanted to live my life my way and do it in my timing. Things started to get rough and one day I looked up and couldn’t believe how miserable I was. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t more grateful and appreciative of this good man I was with. I couldn’t understand why things felt so wrong even though everyone around me assured me that it was right. I wasn’t sleeping. I was anxious all the time. The more I tried, the more “wrong” things felt. I was CONFUSED.

I felt horrible. I had always been the type to express myself. It was no secret how I felt. I told him everything. To be honest, I think he honestly felt like it was something I was just going through and that eventually, it would pass. He reassured me that everything was going to be alright. But it never got better. In fact, it got worse. I found myself crying every night wondering what was wrong with me. And it didn’t help that almost everyone I expressed my feelings to kept telling me that I was “crazy,” “looking for a fairytale that didn’t exist,” and that I was “never going to find someone else like him.” Part of me believed them. So I started to get angry with God. I started to question why He wouldn’t give me peace about the situation when all I was doing was trying to do the “right” thing.

I started praying more. I started fasting more. I started journaling. I was trying to do everything I could to feel peace about the situation. Then one day something happened that changed everything. God spoke to me and said, “he’s not the one.” I honestly thought I was going crazy. I thought I was telling myself this in order to justify my feelings so I ignored it. But then things started to get really bad between us. We were arguing what seemed like every day. It had gotten so bad that I wasn’t even looking at him like the best friend we had started out as. So I started thinking about what I actually wanted in a husband. I had come up with the four things that I was not willing to negotiate. I went to him nervously and told him my list. His response was so honest and clear. He stated, “I love you and I think that you are such a great woman for this…but I am not that guy.” My heart dropped. I said, “So where do we go from here? What are we even doing?” He said, “I don’t know but I do know that right now, marriage is not even an option.” As heartbroken as I was, I was grateful for his honesty. I wanted so badly for him to reassure me that he was the guy that I wanted, the guy that I needed but I needed his honesty more that I needed my ego fed. 

He and I decided to end the relationship that night. I’d be lying if I said that I was ok because I wasn’t. I started to regret ever meeting him. I started to wonder why God would even allow us to meet if He knew that we were not going to get married. I started to wonder how my life would have turned out if I had not spent nearly the last decade with the wrong guy. I started to hate myself and I started to feel horrible for wasting his time as well. “He could have been married and happy,” I thought to myself, “but instead he wasted his time loving me.” 

Over the next year, life was rough. Family and friends didn’t get it and many blamed me for the ending of the relationship. I wanted so badly to tell them everything, to tell them my side. I wanted them to understand how difficult it was for me and how hard I fought for it. I wanted them to know that just as much as he loved me, I love him too. 

Back then, I couldn’t see why God was allowing me to go through this horrific situation. Back then I couldn’t comprehend why I had to deal with such backlash from the people I loved most. Back then I couldn’t understand why God was “punishing me” for what I felt He had told me to end. 

But then I began to realize that I was so caught up with the thoughts of others and even with myself, I couldn’t see what God was trying to show me nearly 10 years before. The signs were there. They were always there. They were simply hiding behind my ego, my own will, and my flesh. You see, God had shown me many times that he wasn’t the guy for me only I hadn’t noticed until I started thinking back. They were the subtle moments that I brushed off thinking they were nothing. They were the quiet voices of my own intuition that I had kept quiet because I didn’t believe that they were valid. God was there all along and had been the same God 10 years before.

So to the girl that didn’t marry him, I see you, I get you, I was you. You are not your mistakes. There is life beyond this and you are NOT wasted tears or time. You are loved by God and you DESERVE the best. You deserve the guy that God has created just for you. You don’t have to be miserable or regretful. And if you feel that the world seems to be against you, please remember that the world was against Jesus so you are in great company. I hope that you find your voice. I hope that you use your strength. I hope that you know that you CAN get up from here. But most importantly, I pray that you begin to see yourself as God sees you…worthy of YOUR guy, worthy of YOUR fairytale. And if you’re reading this post and haven’t gotten to this point yet, I pray that you find the courage to leave so that God can show you just how much better HIS will is for you! I love you and God loves you more.

Xoxo’s ARIV